Many myths about the ego have arisen in personal development. Many people believe it’s something to be gotten rid of, something to be fought against. At best, it should be dissolved. The ego is perceived as harmful, hindering growth and relationships, both on a personal and professional level. We often say, “This one has a bruised ego” or “That one has an oversized ego.” However, this mechanism exists to draw our attention inward and help us work through our personal challenges.
You don’t fight the ego, you don’t run away from it. The ego is like pain in the body. We need to be attentive to its signals and listen to what it has to say. In what situations does it become activated? What triggers us? Is our mother-in-law interfering with our child’s upbringing again, and we’re irritated by the way she talks to us? Do we think she has no idea what she’s talking about? Or maybe our coworker made another mistake, and we would surely have done it 100 times better? These are just a few examples.
When we evaluate others (and even ourselves!), we often do so out of ego. In a business context, there’s nothing wrong with evaluating an employee after a trial period or periodically after a predetermined period of cooperation. There’s nothing wrong with a company assessing the level of project performance. But is it done effectively to boost team morale and streamline processes, or to fulfill the ambitions of the person doing the evaluating?
At the end of the 19th century, two psychologists, William James and Carl Lange, created a theory that contradicts the common-sense model of emotions. According to their approach, people don’t run away because they’re afraid. They’re afraid because they’re running away. It sounds absurd, but it’s true. Let’s see. Imagine traveling back in time and you’re a small child in your room. The room is closed and dark. At this stage of your development, you might be afraid of the dark. In fact, even adults are still afraid of it due to unresolved traumas! So, you’re in that room. Instead of working through this fear (after all, you’re a child and at this stage you have neither the knowledge nor the tools), you open the door, run to your parents, and beg to sleep with the light on.
What does fear of the dark have to do with the ego? This is just an example, of course, but it has more to do with it than it seems. Let’s apply this mechanism to everyday work at work. A coworker makes a mistake, and I mentally scold them for it, thinking, or even saying out loud, that I could have 100% done it better. All I have to do is smile and “breathe” the problem. This is where the stress theory, which was recently discussed on our profile, in a previous article, comes into play. Stress doesn’t accumulate throughout our entire body, as we mistakenly think. We might feel it in our stomach, but 90% of stress is in our face. Our jaw becomes stiff, as do our muscles. We become hard, unyielding, and our facial expressions show that we’re stressed. The face is a perfect “indicator” of how the ego works.
The ego has power over us because we don’t live in the present moment. We constantly project. We live in the past, we live in the future. We can’t focus on the present moment. Again: people are afraid because they’re running away. Meanwhile, the only fuel for the ego is escape and a lack of mindfulness. The ego is fueled by our escape mechanism. At a very basic level, just that. Everything else is just footnotes.
And now. If we can master our awareness and focus it on the present moment, we can deal with what triggers us. Temporarily, certainly not permanently. This requires therapy (for example, the hypnosis sessions we offer) and additional methods (for example, the workshops we offer, which we’ll discuss in a moment). But in the “here and now,” mindfulness helps.
Do a simple breathing exercise. In a stressful situation, if possible, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and count to four. Then take a deep breath, also counting to four. Repeat this, you’ll never guess 😉 four times. And what? Are you feeling better now? A simple mechanism that, on a very, very basic level, helps. It’s like a psychological instant soup. It won’t satisfy hunger (it won’t cure the problem), but it will provide a moment of respite.
Why does the ego have such power over us?
Because it’s the conscious center of our personality, which identifies with our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Then there’s the shadow. This, in turn, is a repressed part of consciousness that contains content the ego doesn’t accept. The shadow can, and most often does, contain undesirable behaviors, impulses, and even negative character traits. In short: we don’t acknowledge ourselves and our behaviors. We sweep them under the rug.
Meanwhile, one of the goals of personal development is integrating the shadow, meaning accepting these repressed personality traits. Classical psychology says: OK, this is who I am. I will admit it and use it all positively.
At HYPNOVERSE, we say: you are perfect just as you are. This doesn’t mean it’s not worth working on yourself. This doesn’t mean that confronting your mother-in-law or an employee who makes a mistake and “goes all out” in anger is always a good thing. Expressing emotions? Yes, it’s healthy. Conscious expression of emotions and the ability to manage them? That’s even better.
The ego has power over us because we identify with our thoughts and emotions. We take them for our own. We say, “I’m choleric” or “I’m burnt out.” No, you’re not. These are just states you fall into. You can do something about it, you can work on it, you can definitely overcome it. You can get to the root of these problems and heal them effectively.
There are three stages to working with the ego: accepting its existence, internal integration, and expressing gratitude. Treat the ego like a friend who wants to tell you something, and you often ignore it. If a person doesn’t know how to work with themselves, and most of us don’t, we treat the ego like an enemy that needs to be destroyed. We dislike a certain trait in ourselves, so we condemn ourselves for certain behaviors.
I didn’t deliver a report to my boss on time. I said one too many words to my best employee in the department during a performance review. At a company team-building event, I wasn’t friendly enough to a new hire. My fault. Always my fault. This isn’t the way to go. At HYPNOVERSE, we use neuroscience, neurobiology, and the malleable nature of the human mind, among other things, to effectively eliminate guilt. At the same time, we help with everyday behaviors, relationships, and collaboration.
Want to help yourself?
If you want to work on yourself and improve your quality of life, we have good news. We help not only with individual online therapy sessions but also with courses.
Our original personal development course module (working with the ego, shadow, inner critic, and inner child) will be available in October. The next one, dedicated to effective breathing and meditation methods, will be available in January. More information: in our upcoming posts and here. The courses will be both online and in person (we have a very good and proven center).
